New Zealand's Next Top Model - Week Twelve

Illustrations courtesy of Alan Gray

It’s the penultimate episode and we’re really getting down to the wire now.  Just one more week to go in the most intense cycle of New Zealand’s Next Top Model ever!  Until next cycle that is. 

Before we delve into the action, let’s put on our lab coats and peer into the test tube of reality TV for a moment.  There’s more to winning Top Model than looking good, there’s a whole formula involved and it’s not necessarily the most attractive model that takes the title.  You can’t have two winners in a row that are too alike (sorry Courtney, you’re similarity to Christobel doesn’t bode well for you), and its got to be someone the public supports (which is why Dakota never really stood a chance). My very un-scientific analysis of past winners of America’s Next Top Model reveals that brunettes are by far the most popular choice with 10 of the past 14 winners sporting chestnut tresses and only two blondies scoring the top job.  Long hair rules the competition with only three cropped locked models making it as America’s Next Top Model.  Racially, there have been seven Caucasian winners and seven of African/Latino heritage.  It’s not unusual to have back-to-back African American or Caucasian winners, however they will generally have different hair length (i.e.: if a short haired girl won last time, no way will a buzz cut win next time around).  So what does this mean for our final four models?  I’m still not sure, are you?  Let’s see what happened last night.

Project Runway Season Two - Hard Wear

Illustrations courtesy of Alan Gray

Precious metals and precious little else collide in this weeks challenge as the designers work with hard ware supplies to create futuristic outfits for elegant robots, malfunctioning droids, ill-attired automatons, and an exotic dancer who got lost on her way to work and wandered in the wrong door.

All the designers are gleefully shrieking at landing in the top ten, but really, big wow, there were only 16 contestants to begin with.  That’s like getting excited over coming third in a three-legged race with only four contenders.  You can start gloating when you’re top three, babies.

Heidi shoos the designers off to meet Tim and a ‘secret designer’ who just turns out to be, yawn, Michael Kors, at the Michael Kors store.  Michael tells them that for this challenge they will be shopping at a hardware store.  Wait, so they had to hike over to Michael’s store just to be told that?  Maybe business is bad so he needed to pimp out his wares to keep his kitchen stocked with cream cakes, although I predict a rush on shoe orders after his pink pumps turned up on Lea Michele for her saucy Glee shoot in GQ.  The designers will also have to create an accessory to “enhance and compliment” their look on a budget of $150 for the entire outfit and just 30 minutes to shop.  Hardware is expensive, I bet a tradesperson would spend double that just getting supplies to caulk a sink.  The options are also limited for what they can use as ‘fabric’, it’s garbage bags, sheet metal or sandpaper.  Exfoliate while you look fashionable!  Emilio eschews a base fabric and selects a butt load of washers and cord, but when he gets to the counter he discovers he is over budget and has to dump some of his supplies.  It might be more of a bikini than a dress he winds up with. 

The Jersey Shore Season Two - A House Divided

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

The girls are split down the middle over the Sammi/Ronnie debacle and the guys are just hoping the tension dies down so they can return to a stress free party environment.  Angelina and Vinny can’t disguise their loathing for each other but find that love and hate walk a very, very fine line together. 

You may remember last week we left JWOWW and Sammi scrapping on the kitchen floor and now we’re back to the brawl!  High heels slide across tiled floors, greased with the remnants of tuna sandwiches, as hair extensions are ripped from scalps and false nails are flung like ninja stars. Sammi tries to awkwardly punch Jenni’s skull with a fistful of her hair in her hands as the boys scrabble to separate them.  Ronnie suddenly turns on Vinny for instigating the fight by reporting back to Jenni about Angelina’s backstabbing.  Angelina whines that she gets the blame for everything and Snooki sets her straight by telling her that it’s because she is to blame! She also points the finger at Angelina for contributing to the note, which causes Sammi to verbally launch into Snooki next. Snooki gets emotional when Sam turns on her and pleads that she was only trying to look out for Sam.  Then Ronnie, obviously sensing this could turn against him, accuses Snooki of trying to break up them up due to jealousy over her break up with Emilio.  Ooh Ronnie is loving this; it’s an easy out for him! Snooki is so frustrated she shoves Ronnie hard.  Sam begged for the girls to tell her the truth and although the delivery may not have been ideal, they did follow through with her wishes. Either way she would have turned on them however they broke it to her, she clearly doesn’t want to believe that Ronnie is a snake. A smug Ronnie and Sammi think they have won a major battle, but against who?  This whole drama was caused by them and in uniting together to fight their perceived common enemies they are just deluding themselves about their own horrible issues.

The Jersey Shore Season Two - Oh What A Tangled Web We Weave

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

The saga of the poison pen letter continues but takes a strange yet predictable turn when the issue of who actually wrote it becomes more important than its sizzling contents.  Meanwhile, “The Situation” (a future Hugh Hefner in the making, not for his entrepreneurship but his resemblance to the wrinkled prune of porn) continues with his plan to bed any and every willing resident of Miami, including one that may have a bit more to offer than your average woman.

Snooki decides to make like Goldilocks and test out each of the male roommates beds – while they are still in them.   After rejecting Pauly’s and Mike’s she finds that Vinny’s bed is ‘just right’.  However, her revelation to Sammi about what she finds in his underwear is just wrong.  She explains that sex with Vinny was like ‘putting a watermelon inside a pinhole’, which raises concerning questions about Vinny’s sexual health.  If it looks like a watermelon it’s probably time to seek medical advice. 

Sammi is still confused about the ‘anonymous’ note but Mike ‘helpfully’ clarifies things by telling her that everything in the note is true and that Ronnie is making her look stupid.  Oh I’m sure your motives are so pure Grandpa face, you should change your name to ‘The Situ-Ancient’.  Snooki loses her nerve (or comes to her senses, whichever way you want to look at it) and decides she needs to tell Sammi that she and JWOWW wrote the note.  Mike stirs the pot some more by telling Sammi “they’re talking s*** about you”. Sammi asks the housemates to confess as to who wrote the note and a monster fight between Sammi and Jenni erupts.  No one confesses, although it’s fairly obvious that despite Jenni’s protestations she was responsible.  Let’s put on our psychotherapy spectacles, lie back on the therapy sofa for a moment and assess the relationship between the subjects known as JWOWW and Sammi.  There was already pre-existing tension from season one between these two. Jenni and Ronnie shared a room and Sammi was always suspicious of their friendship.  Sammi is now directing the anger she should have towards Ronnie to Jenni.  Ronnie is getting off pretty lightly because of lady paranoia!  That’ll be $120 for your session thanks Sammi. 

Project Runway Episode Six - Maximum Fuss for Minimum Models

Illustrations courtesy of Alan Gray

This week the designers must reduce their designs to teeny weenie little sizes. However, they are not allowed to use electro magnetic compression rays, shrinky dinks technology or tiny tailor elves; just their dressmaking tools and a magnifying glass to craft their micro-frocks.    Who is up to the task of miniturisation?

Heidi drops the bombshell to the designers that they will have new models, tiny wee girls!  The challenge is to create a fashionable kids look, this should be fun. Although Jonathon has an apparent phobia of children, saying ‘they are very small’.  Who amongst the mini models will be the next future-Heidi?

The designers go on rampage at Mood, the fabrics and the fur fly.  Especially the fur, did you see the ultra cute dog hanging out on the shop floor?  He’s a Boston terrier and his name is Swatch and he lives at Mood!  Ahhh every workplace should have a resident pet. 

Project Runway Episode Five - Don't Call It A Klum-back

Illustrations courtesy of Alan Gray

This week’s challenge was to make a dress for Heidi’s post baby body, which she will model on the cover of Marie Claire.  However, some of the designers seem confused about which Heidi they’re designing for and there are garments more appropriate for Heidi of the Swiss Alps (I’m looking at you Janeane) or Heidi Montag (we’re well aware of her penchant for all things flesh toned, Mila). Who will get to clothe the illustrious Ms. Klum?

Mila grumps that no one congratulated her for coming second in last week’s challenge.  Maybe that’s because she came swanning in squealing “top two, top two” in egotistical fashion.  These people are her competition after all; they’re hardly going to be throwing rose petals at her feet and swathing her in fresh flower garlands.  Stop peacocking!

New Zealand's Next Top Model - Week Ten

Illustrations courtesy of Alan Gray

Last night we finally got to see the girls in Phuket and it certainly didn’t disappoint. The claws were out and we’re not talking about the wildlife. 

Eliminated twin Nellie has left Elza a cute note saying, “I love you more than listening to Colin talk about himself, and that’s a huge amount.”  We’re with you there Nellie; it’s our new national pastime.  Danielle says the one person that she wanted gone is still here, no prizes for guessing, but do you make yourself a congratulatory cup of tea if you picked Dakota.  The girls fly business class to Phuket and are staying at a swanky resort.  However, as they walk in the door Sara appears on a monitor to remind them “this is not a field trip”.