Last night’s Project Runway was all about butts and burlap. Bulging bottoms were squeezed into coarse cladding, fleshy cheeks peeked beneath hairy hessian, and a disproportionate derriere rocked the runway. BUTT WAIT, THERE’S MORE…..
First of all, why did TV3 have to inflict the predominantly unfunny Aotearoahaha on us, pushing our beloved Runway back by 25 cruel minutes? TV3, I’ve got a fist to shake at you. Now on to the runway!
The challenge this week is to prove the old adage that ‘a beautiful woman could look good in anything, even a potato sack’, by creating a “party worthy look” out of a burlap sack (that scratchy sacking fabric we know more commonly as hessian). The designers descend upon a field where their models are already decked out in their sacks, the square edges of which resemble Dynasty style shoulder pads. Alexis and Krystal would have had a fine old time mud wrestling in that swampy paddock.
This week, the models will serve as the clients and get to choose which designer they want to work with. Part time Wiccan and full time crazy eyed person Alexis rejects her original designer Mila in favour of Anthony, which fills Mila with the kind of haughty rage only a severely bobbed woman can muster. Ooh you better watch out Alexis, all the amulets in the netherworlds can’t save you from Mila’s razor sharp fringe. She will slice you in twain! Although poor Anthony is none too thrilled with Alexis picking him, her unnerving intensity and her apparent inability to blink is rather unsettling, for him and us.
Pamela is confident that her experience with ombre dying will hold her in good stead and says that the challenge “fits me perfectly”, but will her burlap sack fit her model perfectly? Mila is still smarting over Alexis picking Anthony over her and gets a little aggressive in the workroom, declaring “whatever, it’s her loss”, then realizing how insulting that sounds tries to hastily backpedal by adding “not about you, not about you” to Anthony. Anthony privately says that ‘Mila can kiss me and my entire families asses’. Ooh handbags at dawn!
Whimsical Ping is yet again creating something off the wall with a wide hipped butt skimming skirt that my colleague likened to a BBQ apron. It even has side vents for the tongs! Tim warns her that the elevated runway could reveal more of her model’s assets than she intended but oblivious Ping ignores his wise advice. Amy very cleverly grabbed a few potatoes from the farm and is printing her fabric with that enduring primary school favourite, the potato stamp. A tip of the hat for innovation, however it looks like she has smeared faeces on her dress. It’s still early on in the game so let’s see if she can make gold out of those crusty brown nuggets. Jesus has opted to conceal his sack with ugly bits of ribbon and Tim punnily opines that he has “skirted the challenge” by covering the burlap but this zooms way over Jesus’ head and he carries on tacking tacky trim on his sack.
Jonathon is worried about Ping as her “garment is not functional, it doesn’t cover her ass”, but then he sees Ping smiling and ponders if maybe she has created a deliberate “ass flap”. God help us all if that becomes a new trend. Like the old saying about purple and green never being seen, please add ass flaps to that list. Pamela has created what appears to be homage to hooker fashion, a faded denim sausage casing with a leather-laced corset. Anthony thinks her models butt looks “huge in her garment” and the outfit really could have come straight from the closet of that other Pamela, Ms Anderson. Why it would make any trailer park bride gnash her remaining four teeth with delight!
This week’s guest judge is model and actress Lauren Hutton, who has a reputation for eccentricity and doesn’t disappoint. She’s far more entertaining than any of the other staid celebs they’ve had. The models start the show and it’s immediately apparent that it’s really quite amazing what you can do with burlap. These dresses are fancy! Although this is nothing new, my mum wore fierce hessian fashions to school (or so she claims).
Poor Ping realizes the error of her ways when she sees her sack, hers is truly, truly hideous and even she can’t make excuses for it. Ping has made her sack look worse than in it’s original state. At least it provided some modestly in its pre-Ping form. She glumly notes that her models ‘buttocks are revealed’ and that the skirt ‘really looks like potato sacks’. Other than that, all the dresses are pretty fab and there are only three that are real fizzers. Amy, Jay and Mila are the top three and unsurprisingly Ping, Jesus and Pamela are at the bottom of the compost heap.
The judges interrogate the final contestants and Ping complains that she thought her models skin tone would contrast better with the fabric, but her shade is too close to the colour of burlap. Ahh, how complimentary, just what every woman wants to hear, “your skin has the hue of a dusty old potato sack”. Her very pleasant model backs her up by blatantly lying and claims to like Ping’s shock frock. Ping takes over from Janeane as the weeper of the week as she sobs about misinterpreting the instructions, believing it to be a ‘county fair potato party’ the models were attending. Lauren tells Jesus that “dresses should be like paintings” and his design is “a very confused assault on the eye painting”. BURN. Nina says she’d like to see something a little younger and cooler from Jesus. She’s right; he’s stuck in some kind of garish fabric time warp. Michael complains that the patch of trim on one side of Jesus’ horror sack makes his models “ass look asymmetrical, she had one big cheek and one small cheek”. No one wants a lopsided abundance of ass!
Heidi and Michael think Ping has a problem understanding the challenges but the nutty Ms Hutton has a soft spot for Ping, perhaps sensing a kindred unhinged spirit, and says she’s sure she could have made something interesting if she could have properly lined her sack-like sack. There is mild pixilation required for Mila’s gaping but very stylish dress, and Amy’s is quite spectacular, but it’s Jay’s feathery burlap creation that takes the challenge.
To our surprise (and secret delight) Ping is safe and it’s Jesus and Pamela competing for the final spot. I’m sure Pamela is shocked Ping got called before her. Pamela’s dress was trashy and unflattering but at least it (mostly) covered all the sensitive areas. Jesus is in and it’s Pamela’s and her big butt dress that are auf’d. After last weeks vinyl lizard sheath, the second coming of Jesus was a surprise. Maybe next week will be his turn to pack up his kitbag of chintzy trims and matronly patterns and shuffle off to fulfill his true destiny, designing fashions for elderly transvestites.
Who’s your favourite in the competition so far?
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