New Zealand's Next Top Model - Recapping The Recap

Illustrations courtesy of Alan Gray

Ripped off!  It’s the evil recap show!  What cruel deceit is this?  Here we were thinking we would get to see the final six frolicking in Phuket but instead all we get is ancient footage with the occasional unseen tidbit thrown in.  Although, I should have known this was coming, Tyra always does this at the midpoint of America’s Next Top Model.  Bah!

So were there any new revelations last night?  A meager fistful, there was some footage of Lara singing while simultaneously breaking out into nervous blotches, and then some more singing from contestants who didn’t make it.  Was there a talent portion of the audition?  Where was the baton twirling and rhythmic gymnastics?

Dakota’s teary confession about considering “adult entertainment” doesn’t seem nearly so tragic (or believable for that matter) now that we know her better.  There’s a shocking confession from a contestant called Chloe that she and her sister were kidnapped from a mall.  Why do they always have to quiz them about traumatic experiences?  There are girls with eating issues, girls that are crazed Justin Bieber fans, girls who are twins!  Elza and Nellie have a long plastic surgery wish list; Elza wants her nostrils reduced, a cap tooth put in and a matching dimples for her left cheek. Danielle reveals it was her friend from bartending school who tragically passed away that coerced her to go.  Courtenay looks so different with long hair! Michaela says she wanted to cry when she had to go naked for the mud shoot as it isn’t who she is and she felt it was going against her religion.  This makes the shots of her that were released even more upsetting!

But surprises were really few and far between last night, and there was no new Colin footage!  So let’s hand out some awards for the best performances thus far:

Best teamwork:

Nelza working as a human stepladder to raid the cupboards for sustenance.

Best forestry town contestant:

Has to be Danielle.  Thank you Sara for enlightening us as to the industry of Kawerau. 

Most agile tongue utilized for nasal plundering:

Estelle, who demonstrated her fingerless nose picking skills.

Best bird handling skills:

Nellie and Elza could have a second career as bird whisperers.

Best long distance sprinter in high heels:

If this were a Commonwealth Games event, Colin would garner the gold medal.

Most horrified expression:

When Spookers employee Emily detailed her job description, Sara looked like her face would melt with fear. 

Most pageant-like response to failure:

Sophie from Lower Hutt cried when she didn’t make it into the house but had a response prepared that would make Miss South Carolina seethe with jealousy  :  “I didn’t get through but I’m going to move on, just carry on how I was, but different, with new lessons”

Most accurate aim with a stiletto:

Danielle, who nailed Elza in the back of her head with one swift kick of her fleet feet.

Most amusing drunks:

Holly and Aafreen, under the influence of booze hag ragdoll Kate Moskett. 

Most hilarious post chocolate-bobbing face:

Elza’s caked flour face was hysterical and even though she choked and gagged on the powdery paste even she admitted it was “worth it” for the joy of chocolate. 

Most subdued response to a prophetic dream:

All the girls seemed surprisingly unsurprised when Danielle told them about her dream predicting the death of her friend.  I think my mouth would be agape for days in shock at hearing that!

Most amusing person sober person you could easily mistake for drunk:

Dakota, obviously!

Lamest drinking game:

Holly’s ‘We Don’t Know How Lucky We Are’ sing-a-long.  I just don’t get it.

Most unnecessary facial blurring

Racist man on Queen Street who abused Amelia.  Show us his face so we can take to the streets with flaming torches!

Most likely to sob in the bottom two every week but still squeak through to the finals:

Dakota

Best animated GIF:

Dakota, "Gidday!"

Doesn’t it all seem like such a long time ago dear reader?  I usually hate the recap show, but it was slightly interesting to see how far the girls have come.  Only SLIGHTLY.  Let’s not suffer through another recap again please?

What have been some of your highlights so far?