Project Runway Episode Five - Don't Call It A Klum-back

Illustrations courtesy of Alan Gray

This week’s challenge was to make a dress for Heidi’s post baby body, which she will model on the cover of Marie Claire.  However, some of the designers seem confused about which Heidi they’re designing for and there are garments more appropriate for Heidi of the Swiss Alps (I’m looking at you Janeane) or Heidi Montag (we’re well aware of her penchant for all things flesh toned, Mila). Who will get to clothe the illustrious Ms. Klum?

Mila grumps that no one congratulated her for coming second in last week’s challenge.  Maybe that’s because she came swanning in squealing “top two, top two” in egotistical fashion.  These people are her competition after all; they’re hardly going to be throwing rose petals at her feet and swathing her in fresh flower garlands.  Stop peacocking!

Tim takes the designers to the Hearst Building and introduces them to Joanna Coles, editor of Marie Claire magazine.  Tim tells them that “this challenge is one of the biggest in the history of Project Runway, and the reward for the winner of the challenge is unprecedented”.  Ooh what could it be!  High tea with Michael Kors? (Don’t let him eat all the clotted cream).  Or a delicious and filling lunch of shredded lettuce with Nina Garcia?  How about a rummage through Tim Gunn’s closet? (Although I don’t think there’s much left in there after his recent revelatory autobiography).  The challenge is to design an outfit for a celebrity to wear on the cover of Marie Claire.  Asthmatic gasps all round ensue and a regal queenly shriek from Anthony when it’s announced the challenge is also the reward!  Seems like a bit of a let down prize but the designers are ecstatic at the prospect of peddling their wares to the nation. Joanna gives them a few tips on what’s required and announces that Heidi will be the celebrity model.  More shrieks and gasps resound through the Hearst Building as the designers prepare to shuffle off to Mood for their fabrics.

Ben is worried that his magenta looks more fuchsia.  A discerning eye like his knows the difference but to these layperson’s eyes, what is the difference?  He has an interesting colour palette of blue and yellow, which he says is kind of like “Madame Butterfly on acid”.  Anna is concerned about making her three pieces in the amount of time she has.  Three dodgy pieces at that.  Every designer is firing on all cylinders, as they all desperately want to win the prize.  Janeane’s confidence is at an all time low with her bridal boutique nightmare.  Mila says she hasn’t really “seen any competition so far”, even though her dress looks like spanx in muted nana lingerie colours. No wonder she’s so popular! Jay says Mila is fake and insincere.  Emilio says “she comes off as very cocky when all she’s doing is colour blocking in every challenge”. Oooh retract those claws!  No actually, leave those claws out, I don’t like her either!

Tim tells Janeane she doesn’t want her design to look like “clown clothes” after she gives him a waffly explanation of her sea inspired party gown.  Maybe she’s designing for the Little Mermaid’s wedding?  Add a bridal bouquet of brine shrimp and you’re set!  Jay also seems to have been inspired by a wedding expo, his looks like a gypsy bridal dress in tablecloth fabric. Maya says if she’d had more time she would have “added more volume to the neckline”.  She loves her reptilian neck scales!  Has she done an outfit yet that doesn’t feature some kind of tiered embellishment?  Is HR Giger her main source of inspiration?

Oh dear, Anna’s casual shorts, tank and vest look more like teen beach wear next to the other designers garments, a pair of jandals wouldn’t be out of place.  Janeane’s has a hideous asymmetric hemline, which I think is supposed to expose the frou frou underskirt beneath.  Yeah I can see Heidi wearing that, at her next Halloween party. Oh but wait, it gets better.  Mila’s dress comes out and she “think it looks great” but all we can see is a flesh coloured sausage with a collection of poorly sewn arrows with horribly pulled seams pointing at her vagina.  She is concerned however about the colour, which she thought was peach, “but on the runway appears to be more of a beige.”  Appears to be?  Your model looks like she has no torso, just a floating poor of arms and legs with directions on how to access the groin.

Emilio’s dress looks straight out of the Victoria’s Secret catalogue, very lingerie inspired.  Jonathon is soooooo in lurve with his golden romper, he says “it looks like butter, you can just look at it and see the comfort of this garment”.  It does look cute, but I can’t say it screams comfort.  The colours of Maya’s dress look identical to Mila’s, not only do they share a hairstyle but also a fondness for a pensioner colour palette. 

Mila, Emilio, Ben, Anna, Janeane and Anthony have the highest and lowest scores. Mila does a quick look at her contestants to try and figure out where she stands and a secret smirk sweeps across her face, she thinks she’s hit the top three again.  Ben’s has great texture and impact; it’s quite delightful and well made. Guest judge Joanna Coles has no problem dishing it out to Anna, telling her “it’s like three ingredients in a dish that leave you feeling slightly nauseous” and Michael tells her “this is not a teen magazine”.  Anthony’s looks like something Heidi would wear and the judges like it too; Michael tells him ”the costume drama is over”.  Poor Anthony looks like he’s about to get a case of the vapours listening to the judges positive feedback.  Janeane gives a weird explanation of how she was inspired by the sea and created seashell shaped sea lines with a “frothy little bolero”.  Joanna says “I’m not getting the beach and the sea reference, unless it’s a polluted sea with plastic bottles in it”.  Oh she is harsh, I would love to see her and Anna Wintour in a cagefight.  The horrible pinched crotch fiasco of Mila’s is next.  Michael says, “lets be honest that peach comes off like Ace bandage”.  Well played Mr. Kors, you have hit the nail on the head.  He then says “once you crop her she’s literally in some weird jog bra with a v-neck” which the cameraman helpfully demonstrates.  Nina points out the obvious, “these arrows look like their pointing at her crotch”.  They like Emilio’s but are not so fond of the childish shoulder straps and Michael encourages him to snip them off.  

Heidi advises them that as the reward is so great there will be no immunity for the next challenge.  Anthony is the winner and he is SO excited!  Heidi will look Kluminous in his dress!  All the other contestants are so happy for him because he is so sweet and humble, unlike monster Mila.  It’s down to Anna and Janeane, I think Janeane’s was definitely worse than Anna’s, but Anna was pretty off key and wee Anna is sent packing to Project Runway purgatory.