The Jersey Shore Season Two - Oh What A Tangled Web We Weave

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

The saga of the poison pen letter continues but takes a strange yet predictable turn when the issue of who actually wrote it becomes more important than its sizzling contents.  Meanwhile, “The Situation” (a future Hugh Hefner in the making, not for his entrepreneurship but his resemblance to the wrinkled prune of porn) continues with his plan to bed any and every willing resident of Miami, including one that may have a bit more to offer than your average woman.

Snooki decides to make like Goldilocks and test out each of the male roommates beds – while they are still in them.   After rejecting Pauly’s and Mike’s she finds that Vinny’s bed is ‘just right’.  However, her revelation to Sammi about what she finds in his underwear is just wrong.  She explains that sex with Vinny was like ‘putting a watermelon inside a pinhole’, which raises concerning questions about Vinny’s sexual health.  If it looks like a watermelon it’s probably time to seek medical advice. 

Sammi is still confused about the ‘anonymous’ note but Mike ‘helpfully’ clarifies things by telling her that everything in the note is true and that Ronnie is making her look stupid.  Oh I’m sure your motives are so pure Grandpa face, you should change your name to ‘The Situ-Ancient’.  Snooki loses her nerve (or comes to her senses, whichever way you want to look at it) and decides she needs to tell Sammi that she and JWOWW wrote the note.  Mike stirs the pot some more by telling Sammi “they’re talking s*** about you”. Sammi asks the housemates to confess as to who wrote the note and a monster fight between Sammi and Jenni erupts.  No one confesses, although it’s fairly obvious that despite Jenni’s protestations she was responsible.  Let’s put on our psychotherapy spectacles, lie back on the therapy sofa for a moment and assess the relationship between the subjects known as JWOWW and Sammi.  There was already pre-existing tension from season one between these two. Jenni and Ronnie shared a room and Sammi was always suspicious of their friendship.  Sammi is now directing the anger she should have towards Ronnie to Jenni.  Ronnie is getting off pretty lightly because of lady paranoia!  That’ll be $120 for your session thanks Sammi. 

The gang is out at one of their homes away from home, the Miami nightclub scene and The Situation picks up another notch for his belt.  While she patiently waits in the ‘smash room’, Mike whips himself up a snack as he says he’s "like a Ferrari and needs fuel to perform".  He finally returns to the room where the bored looking girl is waiting, quickly gets the business over with and then under the guise of gentlemanliness, tells her that he has a taxi waiting for her.  How considerate!  I wonder if any of the girls passing through the house have deep regrets over allowing their faces and reputations to be smeared all over international TV.  Or are they elated at achieving their 15 seconds of fame? 

The girls are fulfilling their promise from last week to cook Sunday dinner for the boys, albeit reluctantly.  Jenni and Sammi go shopping for supplies and whinge the entire time, except for when Snooki spies a jumbo jar of pickles.  When they return with the goods a snotty Sammi refuses to help and Angelina is in her usual favourite position with the phone glued to her ear.  JWOWW fumes as she prepares their feast, nothing that Sunday dinner was Jenni’s idea and now she wants no part of it. 

While Angelina and Sammi are working at the gelato shop Angelina decides to hint at what she knows about the note to get into Sammi’s good graces.  Sammi sits on the knowledge but stews as they go out clubbing.  At the club The Situation acquires a new fan who pulls him in with the thought-to-be- extinct pick up line “what’s your sign?”  The housemates notice something unusual about his lady friend, specifically; she might not be a lady.  Pauly says “all the clues are there”, she’s wearing a choker to hide her Adams apple and black gloves to minimize her man hands.  The Situation is so swept up in his new groupie that he either doesn’t see it or doesn’t mind.  When it’s finally brought to Mike’s attention he says it’s the first time that’s ever happened.  Or more likely the first time he’s ever been caught out. 

Sammi is not the only one still churning about the note, Jenni is simmering at her behaviour and you can tell this is not going to end well.  The housemates make their drunken way home and a barely conscious Pauly makes out with Angelina in the cab home.  Jennie calls her boyfriend once they get home to report on the evenings antics and Angelina tries to cause trouble by saying she heard Jenni badmouthing Pauly on the phone.  Vinny uncharacteristically leaps into the fray and says he heard the conversation and tells Jenni that Angelina is telling lies about her.  Let the fireworks begin!  Jenni comes out to confront Angelina but it soon spirals into a fight between her and Sammi, its been leading up to this all episode!  Snooki, who barely comes up to their shoulders in her bare feet, tries to break the girls up but a full on catfight soon ensues and the hair extensions and fake nails start flying.   We have to wait till next week to see the final result, will there be a K.O. or a decision on points?   My money’s on Jenni.  Sammi, you better not mess with JWOWW, her concrete mammaries will give you a concussion you’ll never forget.