Masterchef USA Premiere Episode

Masterchef USA

Prime TV

Mondays 8.30PM

Ramsay-philes, take your seats!  Gordon is back (minus the swearing and tantrums) in the first ever season of Masterchef USA, the internationally popular series that transforms amateur cooks who are passionate about food into master chefs. 

Just last week, we bid farewell to that most hardest of task masters, Gordon Ramsay, in the finale of ‘Hell’s Kitchen’.  Our tear stained hankies barely had a chance to dry before he returned to our screens in Masterchef USA.  Gordon explains that Masterchef has been a big hit in Australia, the UK and Hungary, of all places (how could he leave out New Zealand?), but this is the first time American home cooks will get to compete.    Gordon gives us a glimpse of challenges to come, including catering a wedding and feeding a military unit.  The competitors are vying for the title of the first ever American Masterchef, but there’s also the lure of a whopping $250,000.00 prize and the opportunity for the winner to produce their own cookbook. 

The Jagged Edge of ‘New Zealand’s Next Top Model’

Uh-oh, this season (sorry, cycle) of ‘New Zealand’s Next Top Model’ has been plagued with controversy and the hits just keep on coming. 

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

The Photoshop edit to Dakota TV3 wishes they did

This morning in the Herald on Sunday it was revealed that the post makeover publicity shots of Amelia, Lara and Nellie that are used in the weekly end scene montage had been photo shopped.  Close ups of the photos expose the jagged edges associated with trying to slim line limbs.  Nellie has a slightly kinked arm and Amelia and Lara have had their thighs reduced.  There’s also speculation Lara’s legs might have been lengthened. 

New Zealand’s Next Top Model producer Anna Lynch said the size of the girls is ‘no secret’ and the photos were only retouched to make the photos look as good as they can.  If we all know what the girls look like why do their photos need to be retouched at all?  It’s also rather unfortunate that the two girls who have been identified as ‘bigger’, Amelia and Lara, are the targets of this digital manipulation.  It’s also rather distressing that they felt that stick thin Nellie needed her arm reduced.  She’ll have to eat a few more lard sandwiches before she needs to worry about bingo wings. 

What do you think?  Is it acceptable to knock a few dress sizes off our models?  Or is this sending the wrong message to our young women?

And in other news, the Herald on Sunday’s Spy magazine has a story about Dan Carter’s appearance on next week’s episode of NZNTM.  Carter will feature in a nutrition lesson and promote his brand of bottled water.  Will the nutrition lesson focus on how models should subsist on water with the occasional frozen pea thrown in (also known as the Posh Spice diet)?  The news from Spy is that one of the girls is less than impressed with the All Black heartthrob, going so far as to say she  ‘didn’t give a damn who he was, or how sexy he thinks he is’.  MEOW. 

Oooh who do you think said that??  I’m thinking maybe Danielle or Dakota?  What say you?

New Zealand's Next Top Model - Season Two Episode Four

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

What a week it’s been for ‘New Zealand’s Next Top Model’!  We have SO much to talk about and there is much we’ve learned about our models in the past few days.  Last week, Dakota kindly shared her favourite calibre of firearm with us (9mm, so versatile!) and we’ve recently learnt of Lauren’s childhood alopecia (thanks Woman’s Day), which helps explain her freak-out over her hair on the promo for tonight’s episode.  

The Sunday papers informed us that the girls were squabbling over clothes in the house and The Herald spoiled our fun by telling us who the final six were, and there was something else…….oh yes, that’s right, the INTERNATIONAL nudity scandal!  The photo of a topless Michaela was the shot heard (and seen) around the world.  The story of the photos, which were erroneously posted to TV3’s website, was reported on sites Coco Perez and the Huffington Post amongst others.   Website ‘The Frisky’ added insult to injury by calling the photo ‘lifeless’.  WE SHAKE OUR COLLECTIVE FISTS AT YOU, THE FRISKY!

But tonight it’s Lauren’s birthday and Holly says the atmosphere is quite positive despite everyone feeling the loss of Jamie.  Saramail arrives bearing the message ‘some say you can’t improve on perfection, I say no such thing’.  The night we’ve all been counting down to is finally here. It’s like Christmas in August, payday on a Friday or all day happy hour, yes, it’s makeover night!  The girls are ferried to Servilles in Takapuna where Dakota’s fright wig is transformed into a sleek dark bonnett and Colin compares Eva’s matted hair to a racoon’s ass.  Because it’s stripy or covered in dags?  Or both?  Lauren starts crying when Sara tells her they want to give her a dramatic cut to ‘make her look like a model’.  Holly says Lauren cried for basically the entire day over her makeover, although Holly herself is none too thrilled that her own hair is getting chopped to shoulder length.  Colin says Danielle was feral Cheryl but now she looks like a beach babe.  Colin is en fuego tonight!  After Courtenay gets her hair styled Sara decides she could go shorter and she gets the lot chopped off into a cropped Twiggy style. 

Tim Gunn

A week in the life of ‘New Zealand’s Next Top Model’

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

A rundown of the scandals and controversy that plague our favourite local show.  We love the intrigue!

Firstly, a definitive timeline of the exposed youthful boobs scandal:
By now I’m sure everybody has heard about the ‘are they naked/aren’t they naked’ controversy on NZNTM.  Shall we wade into this murky abyss?  Take my hand and don’t forget to don your wellies:  

• On Friday’s show we saw the girls stripping down to nude boob tubes and underpants for their photo session with photographer Jackie Meiring.  Michaela said that she was worried at first about doing the shoot because she is religious but was now happy with her decision to continue.  Viewers watching assumed that Michaela had some reservations about posing in such a revealing outfit, but was she really referring to posing topless?  When the final photos were revealed at judging any hint of bosom was concealed by strategically placed mystery mist.
• Monday comes and the photos from the Rotorua shoot are posted on TV3’s website.  People start discussing on Twitter and blogs whether the photos were appropriate, as they look rather more revealing than we all remembered.  TV3 responded that same day saying:

"Michaela, Danielle and Amelia all wore adhesive covers for the mud pool shoot.  We make every effort to protect the girl’s modesty and none of the girls are forced to do anything that they aren’t comfortable doing." 

On the NZNTM twitter account they posted: 

“For all those concerned about the images from last weeks episode, the girls are not naked. They have bits on their bits.”

Hell's Kitchen Season Six Finale

Illustrations courtesy of Alan Gray 

We’ve finally come to the end of the loooooong and winding road of Hell’s Kitchen season six.  We are treated to the obligatory montage of all the highs and lows in the kitchen over the intervening weeks, with a heaping helping of Gordon’s most memorable tantrums and tirades.  What will the outcome be?  Let’s find out!

Following on from last week’s episode (which played as a double feature in the U.S but we got ours cruelly chopped in half), Gordon tells the final two challengers, Dave and Kevin, that they will design their own menu for dinner service tonight, but that’s not all.  They are instructed to hop in a limo waiting for them outside which will take them to a mystery destination.  It’s 11.45PM when they arrive at a hotel and are ushered to the rooftop.  Gordon leads them to the edge where they discover that there is a sea of screaming people awaiting their arrival.  Then Gordon drops the bombshell that this is a challenge and they have 45 minutes to make the dish of their choice for five food critic judges waiting below.  I thought they were getting a treat!  How disappointing for them, and they must be exhausted!

The Price of Beauty - Brazil

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

In this week’s ‘The Price of Beauty’, Jessica Ken and Cacee head to Rio, the world’s plastic surgery and intimate hair removal capital.  It seems in Rio, the price of beauty is compression garments and ingrown hairs. 

The first thing the trio notice after landing on the beaches of Brazil is that everyone is in bikinis.  Even the old men wear tiny shiny speedos.  It’s all hanging out for everyone to see, and most of them are not the muscly toned peacocks you might expect, although they are all deeply and crisply tanned.  Jessica says that Brazilians are the first thing she thinks of when she hears Brazil, and she’s not talking about the locals.  The girls are going to get Brazilian waxes and they are making Ken join them, although he is not so keen on the idea of having his professionally coiffed and perfectly conditioned hairs forcibly ripped from his upper thighs.  Ken holds Jessica and Cacee’s hands as the technician relieves Ken of his waxing virginity.  Ken screams with each rip of the strip, sounding not unlike Steve Carrell getting his chest waxed in ‘The 40 Year Old Virgin’.  Kelly Clarkson!

The Price of Beauty - Japan

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

Facial bird poop!  Vampiric fish!  Abundant undergarments!  It’s all there waiting for Jessica Simpson and her friends Ken and Cacee as they continue their journey of the world’s beauty hotspots and land in Japan for an insiders peek at what the locals consider bee-yoo-tiful!

Jessica, Ken and Cacee touch down in Tokyo, Jessica has of course been there before but says she’s never had a chance to experience the culture.  Their beauty ambassador in Japan is Riyo Mori, a model and a former Miss Universe.  Riyo takes them to a Japanese teahouse and Cacee says it’s just how she expected; one of her favourite movies is ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’.  Riyo tells the trio that women in modern day Japan are more free to think than they were in the past and the traditional subservience of women in society is changing.  Cosmetic surgery is not discussed in Japan, however double eyelid surgery (which is used to create the illusion of Western features) is incredibly popular.  The girls are shocked but fascinated that the women of Japan covet eyes like their own.

Hell's Kitchen - Are You A Mexican Or A Mexi-Cant?

Season Six Episode 14

Ooh we’re down to the wire here in season six of Hell’s Kitchen!  Only three chefs left for Gordon to abuse, berate and humiliate.  Who will our lucky two finalists be?  Dave, ‘the one-armed bandit?  Ariel, the easygoing sole remaining lady-chef?  Or Kevin, the shiny-headed egotist?  Whichever way it goes, rest assured that global restauranter and stress merchant Gordon Ramsay won’t disappoint with his trademark volcanic meltdowns.  One day he’ll go too far and just be a messy pile of wax waiting to be scraped off the kitchen floor!

The first challenge for the final three chefs is to cook a dish that represents one of three countries.  Dave gets India and is not happy about it, he says he’s never made Indian food and is bewildered about where to start.  Ariel is happy with her pick of China and Kevin gets lucky with Mexico.  You can never go wrong with tacos!  Dave is also worried about what meat to use in his dish as he thinks beef might be culturally insensitive.  While it’s true that Hindus do not eat beef, the good old beef curry is pretty much bog standard at any Indian restaurant. 

New Zealand's Next Top Model - Season Two Episode Three

Illustrations courtesy of Alan Gray

This programme contains coarse language?!  Why does this programme contain coarse language?  That’s no way for a lady to act, ladies.  

This week, the girls mourn the loss of Estelle, particularly Michaela and Eva to whom she has written a lovely little farewell note.  Sniff.  Jamie was shocked, SHOCKED I tell you to find herself in the bottom two and says if she has to leave all her dreams will be shattered, or shitted, it’s a bit hard to tell.  Maybe that’s why we needed the coarse language warning, for those potentially offended by the Nu Zild accent. 

This weeks target for abuse in the house is Lara.  Lara is the youngest and Jamie says this could explain why she can be quite annoying, but says its also frustrating that she’s doing so well in the competiton.  The girls get their glittery Saramail envelope, which look like they were produced as a kindergarten project.  It reads  ‘A top model is always on the move so don’t let the grass grow beneath your feet’.  They head to a dance studio where Colin re-introduces them to Taane Mete, who they first met in episode one at the water whirler on Wellington Harbour.  Dakota says she was excited to see Taane as he’s their own ‘Miss J’, but isn’t Colin the Miss J of this outfit?  Surely Taane is the Benny Ninja in this equation.  Taane is going to run them through some dance steps to teach them how to incorporate ‘grace and dynamism’ into their modelling.  Lara is particularly perturbed that she was crticized for using her dancing in her shoot last week (Sara said she looked ‘too trained’) and now here they are at a dance studio.  Dakota doesn’t take the exercise seriously, saying that she didn’t sign up for New Zealand’s Next Top Dancer.  No, but you have to know that when you sign up for anything Tyra Banks helped create that you are going to have to do some crazy/embarrassing/stupid challenges.  Colin says all the girls were really ambitious so he gives them a double thumbs up and a double kiss, but he is less than impressed with Dakota, describing her as ‘disconnected and spasmodic.’

Public Transport

New Zealand's Next Top Model - Season Two Episode Two

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

This week the girls spend some quality time getting to know each other, then spend some REAL quality time gossiping about each other.  Sara loses her mammoth sunnies when Colin arches an eyebrow unexpectedly and the models have a levitating experience in their very first photo shoot. 

The girls land in Auckland and travel to what will be their home for the duration of the competition.  After frantically exploring the mansion accompanied by high pitched squealing fits, the girls relax in the spa and Estelle reveals how she used to be a size 18 but managed to drop to an 8, quite a feat!  

They receive their first ‘Sara mail’, which says, “A top model needs to look their best but must also be a team player, time to see whose got your back”.  They are shipped off to Glassons where they meet with Anna Ford, head buyer for Glassons and Anna Fitzpatrick, model and editor of fashion website Front Row Diary.  Colin tells them they have 10 minutes to style each other in pairs and the girl who puts together the best outfit gets to keep it.  There is a mad panic as the girls start racing through the racks.  The floor is soon a graveyard of discarded shoes, skirts and shiny, shiny jewellery.  Holly and Eva are the first to be assessed; Anna Fitzpatrick likes the outfit but says they’ve gone mad with the accessories.  The judges agree that the look Lauren picked out for Danielle is boring and doesn’t reflect her personality.  Nellie says she knew her outfit was completely trashy and disgusting so isn’t surprised when the judges bag it.   Unfortunately for Nellie she describes her outfit as disgusting while inside Glassons and an irate Colin reprimands her for criticizing the brand.  Elza is the challenge winner while her sister appears to be at the very bottom, at least according to Holly who says Nellie’s outfit was obviously the worst.   Are they editing Holly to deliberately make her the main bitch of the house?

Jersey Shore Returning to Our Shores

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

Just in time to make us feel even pastier down here in the depths of winter is the welcome return of our much loved greased guidos, now with bonus Angelina ‘Trash Bags’ Pivarnick making a comeback in the house to bring the dramz. 

The second season of Jersey Shore will premiere on Tuesday 7^th September at 9.30PM on MTV, but MTV are giving you the chance to catch up with the liquor loving lotharios a week early by screening the first episode of the new season at Event Cinemas. 

Tickets are $25 and include a pre-event drink and popcorn.  You’ll also be treated to behind the scenes footage and a revisit of the first ever episode.  Click here to find out all the dates and details. 

So join superfan Leonard Dicaprio in indulging in the GTL antics of the gang and get a sneak peek at all the drama and squabbles that are bound to ensue!

Hell's Kitchen - Never Work With Children or Vegetables

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

Season Six Episode 13

This week, Gordon gets thrown into the laundry with the tablecloths and tea towels and shrinks down to a teeny tiny version of himself.  Who would have guessed he was dry-clean only?  Masochist Dave continues to torture his poor disabled arm in his quest for HK domination and the most discerning diners to ever walk through the sinister gates of Hell’s Kitchen pay a visit. 

Following on from last week’s elimination of Suzanne we are now left with the final four and a bullet-dodging Tennille declares ‘I beat 13 of y’all, kiss my Nike’s boys’.  Kevin thinks he has everyone’s weaknesses pegged, he thinks Ariel needs to buckle down, Tennille needs to be consistent and Dave has one arm.  And what of Kevin’s weakness?  Perhaps he is a modern-day reverse Samson and if he grows hair he loses his powers.  Quickly, someone swap his body wash for horsehair shampoo. 

The chefs assemble in the dining room and soon hear the unmistakeable voice of Gordon shrieking orders, but they’re in for a surprise when a mini Gordon doppelganger trots down the stairs.  He starts barking out instructions, Ramsay-style.  The resemblance is uncanny and this little kid has somehow managed to remember an entire Ramsay rant, impressive!  Gordon emerges and says he thought he’d have little fun with them today, before going on to say that there’s no bigger pain than a vegetarian but you need to cater for them in any fine dining restaurant.  Their challenge is to create a vegetarian dish for eighty finicky diners and they have to make eighty portions in a mere hour.  An hour!  I can’t even make dinner for two in an hour.  Ariel asks mono-armed Dave if he needs any help but he steadfastly refuses any assistance, saying he wants to win it on his own, but in the next instant he hurts his wrist and is overcome with shattering nerve pain.  Ariel praises Dave’s commitment and his ‘one armed bandit’ approach, she might not be so complimentary if she knew how Dave had attempted to sabotage her. 

The Price of Beauty - Morocco

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

Season One Episode Five

On this week’s global tour of all things bee-yoo-tiful, Jessica and her hangers on head to the exotic North African kingdom of Morocco.  Jessica eats brains in an effort to increase her IQ and Ken makes friends with a snake, but not of the trouser variety.  Let us peek through our veils at the style secrets of Moroccan women.

As the gang travel through the colourful streets, Jessica says she is excited to take in all the sights, especially the camels, which she and Cacee are keen to ride.  Jessica warns Ken that she has heard camel riding is a little bit difficult for men, and to get her point across adds ‘ for men with balls’.  Is she suggesting that Ken is not packing a full package?

The trio meet with their Moroccan beauty ambassador, Khansa Batma, a successful Moroccan singer.  Ken zeroes in on Khansa’s impressive mane of curly locks.  I think it would be a bit of a traumatic experience meeting Ken Paves, you just know he would be looking at your hair the whole time and silently disparaging your split ends and bad regrowth.  Khansa explains that although the population of Morocco is largely Muslim, it is up to the girls to decide whether they want to cover themselves up in keeping with religious convention.  Moroccan culture is more relaxed than in other Muslim majority countries and western dress is acceptable.  Khansa takes them to a clothing bazaar where they try on kaftans, called jellabas, and veils.  Ken says that when the girls wear their veils they have a confidence that exudes through the eyes.  Khansa says that when only the eyes are visible you learn to communicate more through your expressions.  Jessica says that the essence of a Moroccan woman’s beauty is through her mystery and she and Cacee certainly catch on fast to the art of seduction with only their eyes. 

New Zealand's Next Top Model - Premiere Episode

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

The drought is finally over and we can once again dance in the refreshing rain of makeovers, photo shoots, humiliating challenges and Colin’s sleek hair.  Our judges, model agent Sara Tetro, actor and model Colin Mathura-Jeffree, and photographer Chris Sisarich return for the second season of the much-anticipated ‘New Zealand’s Next Top Model’.  So let’s meet the ladies!

Thirty three girls have been chosen from auditions all over New Zealand for the chance to be one of the final thirteen to compete for the coveted top spot, but more importantly, will also have the opportunity to drape themselves over the very same yellow candlewick bedspread that Colin himself has raked his elegant digits across.  The semi-finalists are unleashed upon the Museum hotel in Wellington and are soon excitably scurrying down the halls to their respective rooms.  18-year-old Dakota Biddle describes the experience as ‘like living your fairytale’ and 17-year-old twin Nellie Jenkins is pleasantly surprised at the plush accommodations as she was expecting to be housed in a backpackers lodge.  No expense will be spared for the future coat hangers of our nation! 

The girls’ head down to the iconic water wand on Wellington’s waterfront to meet with serial reality TV host Colin for the first time; he tells them that what he doesn’t know about catwalks isn’t worth knowing.  So from this we can infer that not only is Colin adept at walking a runway, he is also a master craftsman skilled in the building of raised platforms?  Fashion designer Alexandra Owen is also there to impart her runway wisdom.  Nellie’s twin Elza is a fan of Alexandra’s and says her clothes are amazing.  Dancer Taane Mete, our own homegrown answer to Benny Ninja is already swooping the wharf-cum-catwalk in a demonstration of the perfect runway strut.  The girls take turns showcasing their walks with mixed results.  Childless and conviction free Danielle Hayes from Kawerau has never walked in heels before and it shows, so Colin gives her a bit of coaching.  Colin is unimpressed with Sunny’s thick matted dreads, comparing them to rope.  Prepare to farewell your hot dog locks should you get through to the makeover episode Sunny!  Several of the girls receive praise for their walks but the champion of the day is 20-year-old Holly Potton from Auckland, who Colin says is a natural on the runway.

The City - Work Horses and Show Ponies

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

Season Two Episode Eight

No prizes for guessing whom the ‘show pony’ of the title refers to!  That whinnying ninny Olivia Palermo slithers her way back into Joe Zee’s affections and Whitney and Roxy take a stressful sojourn to Miami to pimp out Whitney’s clothing line.  Meanwhile, Erin sharpens sticks and twigs with her laser vision for indignant insertion into her haute couture Olivia voodoo doll. 

Whitney and Roxy discuss their trip to Miami and go over their itinerary, but Roxy looks rather pensive as Whitney outlines all the work they have to do.  She does however admit, in her perma-cold voice, that she is excited at the prospect of doing the show on their own and Whitney adds that they can’t let Kelly down. 

It’s Fashion Week and Erin and Olivia are in Joe Zee’s office going over the designers they’re covering for Elle.  Olivia says Zac Posen has a new collection for chain store Target and she thinks they should do something for Elle.com.  Joe agrees that would be great but reminds her that she actually needs to secure the interview or her job could be on the line.  At last he’s putting his foot down, but in typical Joe fashion he is putting it down very, very softly, as if he was wearing mink-lined slippers with soles of chocolate mousse. 

The Hills - Between A Rocker and a Hard Place

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

Season Six Episode Eight - Between a Rocker and a Hard Place

Ladykiller Brody Jenner continues juggling the babes of ‘The Hills’, but watch it Grody, all your balls are going to fall sooner or later.  Blonde pitbull Kristin Cavallari bares her teeth at her love rivals while Audrina is confused about her feelings for her greasy rocker boyfriend and her greasy rocker ex-boyfriend.  The infinite cycle of white people problems chugs on as the final season of ‘The Hills’ nears its finale. 

Stephanie talks to Audrina and Lo about Max, her date that Lo set up.  She likes him and describes him as looking like a ‘prom king’.  We can assume this is a desirable trait then?  Audrina reveals to the girls that she went to see Justin’s motorbike, although really, it was clearly just a weak excuse to see Justin.  She says it was just a friendly visit but she wonders if she should tell Ryan.  The girls think it will upset her porcupine quill-headed boyfriend if he knows.  Lo asks Audrina if she would ever reunite with Justin if he was to change his ways but Audrina just sighs a tortured sigh.

Kristin and Brody meet for lunch and Kristin tells Brody about her encounter with McKaela and how she warned her off Allie.  Kristin says McKaela tried to make it sound as if Brody was pursuing her, rather than the other way round.  Hate to say it but McKaela is coming off as rather desperate.  Brody has pretty much blown her off more than once but she still keeps trying to maintain a relationship with him, despite him being unspeakably rude to her.  Ahhh the follies of youth.

White Noise

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

Your daily reality TV linkage

Snooki will have her day in court.

http://blog.zap2it.com/thedishrag/2010/08/jersey-shores-snooki-gets-a-court-date-as-more-arrest-details-creep-out.html

And she may find these makeup tips useful if she finds herself wrongfully imprisoned.

http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/story?id=3265626

Kendra’s baby doesn’t like sleeping, so basically he’s the same as every other baby that ever lived.

http://www.okmagazine.com/2010/08/kendra-‘baby-hank-hates-sleeping’/

Maybe this explains why evil Farrah from ’16 and Pregnant’ is so evil?

http://thegloss.com/odds-and-ends/so-what-happened-to-farrahs-baby-daddy-on-16-and-pregnant/

New Zealand's Next Top Model Promo

On the new promo for ‘New Zealand’s Next Top Model’, a young competitor utters the clip-worthy sentence “My greatest achievement so far would be not being pregnant and/or in jail’.  I laughed, we all laughed, because those aren’t exactly efforts to be proud of, are they?  Well I finally came to the realisation that those are indeed impressive feats and not to be sneered at.  When we consider that New Zealand has one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the world I’d say our little over achiever has done rather well for herself.  Teen crime is on the rise and steadily worsening in nature, how heartening that this young lady has followed her catwalk dreams and/or managed to evade incarceration. 

And isn’t it just such a typical New Zealand trait to undersell yourself?  Secretly, she probably has a diploma in Natural Therapies for Pets from Stotts Correspondence College and holds the world record for centipede juggling, but she’s just too humble to say.  If this was America’s Next Top Model you can guarantee she’d be boasting about all the pets she’s saved with Bach flower tinctures and unguents!

Also, and most importantly, those are still my two greatest achievements thus far.  So we salute you low achievement girl!  May you place high in competition so that you may add another glittering string to your already impressive bow of accomplishments.

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

Hell's Kitchen - Raw Power

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

Season Six Episode 12

As the weeks go by, Hell’s Kitchen is becoming less of a contest of culinary skill and more of a clash of personalities as the contestants’ plot and scheme against each other.  Let’s hope that this season concludes with a fight to the death by locking the contestants in a ‘Thunderdome’ style arena with only raw chicken and burnt lettuce as their weapons.  Whoever emerges alive from the fatal food chamber will be crowned the victorious winner!

Dave and Tennille squabble over Tennille’s nominee flip-flopping with her choice of Van over Ariel in last week’s final.  Kevin coolly observes their bickering with great delight, he hopes their interpersonal gripes will take their focus off their cooking and leave him top dog.

The first challenge this week is to test the chef’s presentation skills.  Helping to judge the challenge is Barbara Fairchild, the editor in chief of Bon Appétit magazine and her retinue of editors.  Suzanne says that ‘everyone in the industry’ reads Bon Appétit so she hopes she takes out this one, we all hope she bombs miserably of course.  The editors of Bon Appétit will judge the dishes solely on presentation; the best two dishes will undergo a taste test by Gordon and Barbara.  Tennille throws a hodge podge of vegetables on top of her salmon to disguise a break and is subsequently the lowest rated chef.  Kevin and Ariel are the top two, but Gordon and Barbara can’t pick a winner between their dishes and they are both awarded the prize.  The challenge winners are rewarded with a photo shoot for Bon Appétit magazine and their recipes will also be featured in the publication.  Seems like a bit of a weird reward, more like work than a prize, but Ariel is super excited and says her family will be so proud to see her on the printed page. 

The Price of Beauty - American Booty

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

Season One Episode Four - Uganda

In this weeks adventures, Jessica discovers that fatness can be hot, African bugs can grow to the size of your face, you can make your own home grown deodorant, oh and something something BEAUTY as she continues on her travelogue, which is vaguely disguised as an exploration of cultural perceptions of lady-charms. 

Jessica, Ken and Cacee land in Uganda to visit the Hima tribe.  Their beauty ambassador in Uganda is Judy; she now lives in the city but grew up in the Hima village.  When they arrive at the village they are surprised to discover that it’s not all mud huts and that there are stores and well-constructed buildings.  I’m sure if they were ever to come to New Zealand they would probably expect us to be strutting around in grass skirts and living in tepees.  Fools, we wear flax skirts and live in shelters constructed of sheep!

Jessica finds the flowing robes of the Hima people beautiful but soon discovers they have a dual purpose.  Judy layers Jessica and Cacee with multiple swathes of fabric to create the illusion of weight as she says the Hima men find fat women more appealing.  Jessica says she knows a lot of men like curves but she’s never known anyone to seek out fat woman.  Well she needs to watch more TV because it seems like every time I switch over to the documentary channel there is a doco about fat enthusiasts, fat enablers or the sinister ‘feeders’ (who actively encourage over eating in their partners).  The men of the tribe give the newly rotund Cacee the once over but they think Jess needs to put some more weight on, something which I’m sure must secretly delight her considering all the flack she’s had over her figure.  Jessica asks the men what they would consider too fat in their ladies and they tell her that if the woman is too fat to stand up then she’s gone too far.  This is a farming community and having a fat wife and a large herd of cows is a sign of wealth and prosperity.

The City - Missing The Marc

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

Season 2 Episode 7 - The British Are Coming

Roxy pulls off what seems like the impossible when she impresses Kelly with her skills and Erin inches closer to her goal of eliminating Olivia from the Elle universe.  But will the testicular enhancement elixir that Erin has been secretly mixing into Joe’s soy decaf latte finally take effect?  Will he finally exhibit some ball growth and remove the malignant tumour known as Olivia Palermo from the backside of Elle?  Place your bets and read on!

At Peoples Revolution HQ, Roxy and Whitney are discussing Fashion Week and Kelly tells Whitney she should attend as many shows as she can to maintain her profile, but not to bother if she’s any further back than the third row.  Wow, guess what fourth row?  You are nobodies!  She also has an assignment for Roxy, working on a fashion show for designer David Delfin, but Kelly warns her that if she stuffs it up she will be fired.  Donald Trump really should have got Kelly Cutrone on board for ‘The Apprentice’ rather than Martha Stewart.  Kel would have owned it.

As it’s Fashion Week, the offices of Elle are a whirling dervish of stilettos, accessories, cutthroat stares and fashion editors maniacally cinching their waists and eating their own hair.  Joe Zee says he knows Olivia is good friends with Marc Jacobs so he’s confident she can get an interview with him for Elle.com after his show.  Erin is eager to get Louise Roe on board for the Elle website, she says it would be good to have someone consistent, an obvious and deserved dig at that most unpleasant of fashion doyennes, Olivia Palermo.

White Noise

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

Your daily reality TV linkage

When Snooki starts pulling the ‘don’t you know who I am? line, you know the end of the world must be nigh.  And she’s charging $100 for photos?  Oh Snooki, you swore you’d never change!

http://www.nydailynews.com/gossip/2010/07/31/2010-07-31_snooki_from_jersey_shore_hits_cops_with_expletivefilled_rant_during_her_arrest.html

A weird photo of a levitating Criss Angel to illustrate a story about Kendra and Holly wearing bikinis in Las Vegas for some bizarre reason.

http://www.browseblog.com/32510/playboy-stars-holly-madison-and-kendra-wilkinson-slip-into-swimsuits-in-las-vegas/

What’s Lauren Conrad up to these days?  Dancing to Katy Perry of course!

http://www.monstersandcritics.com/people/news/article_1574635.php/The-Hills-Lauren-Conrad-rocks-out-to-Katy-Perry-on-rare-night-out

So Speidi really are divorcing?  At least we won’t have to call the interventionists to break Spencer’s cult like grip on his bride.  In other news, Spencer misses famewhoring.  FREE HEIDI!

http://blog.zap2it.com/thedishrag/2010/07/spencer-pratt-misses-fame-not-his-wife.html