Project Runway Episode Six - Maximum Fuss for Minimum Models

Illustrations courtesy of Alan Gray

This week the designers must reduce their designs to teeny weenie little sizes. However, they are not allowed to use electro magnetic compression rays, shrinky dinks technology or tiny tailor elves; just their dressmaking tools and a magnifying glass to craft their micro-frocks.    Who is up to the task of miniturisation?

Heidi drops the bombshell to the designers that they will have new models, tiny wee girls!  The challenge is to create a fashionable kids look, this should be fun. Although Jonathon has an apparent phobia of children, saying ‘they are very small’.  Who amongst the mini models will be the next future-Heidi?

The designers go on rampage at Mood, the fabrics and the fur fly.  Especially the fur, did you see the ultra cute dog hanging out on the shop floor?  He’s a Boston terrier and his name is Swatch and he lives at Mood!  Ahhh every workplace should have a resident pet. 

Project Runway Episode Five - Don't Call It A Klum-back

Illustrations courtesy of Alan Gray

This week’s challenge was to make a dress for Heidi’s post baby body, which she will model on the cover of Marie Claire.  However, some of the designers seem confused about which Heidi they’re designing for and there are garments more appropriate for Heidi of the Swiss Alps (I’m looking at you Janeane) or Heidi Montag (we’re well aware of her penchant for all things flesh toned, Mila). Who will get to clothe the illustrious Ms. Klum?

Mila grumps that no one congratulated her for coming second in last week’s challenge.  Maybe that’s because she came swanning in squealing “top two, top two” in egotistical fashion.  These people are her competition after all; they’re hardly going to be throwing rose petals at her feet and swathing her in fresh flower garlands.  Stop peacocking!

New Zealand's Next Top Model - Week Ten

Illustrations courtesy of Alan Gray

Last night we finally got to see the girls in Phuket and it certainly didn’t disappoint. The claws were out and we’re not talking about the wildlife. 

Eliminated twin Nellie has left Elza a cute note saying, “I love you more than listening to Colin talk about himself, and that’s a huge amount.”  We’re with you there Nellie; it’s our new national pastime.  Danielle says the one person that she wanted gone is still here, no prizes for guessing, but do you make yourself a congratulatory cup of tea if you picked Dakota.  The girls fly business class to Phuket and are staying at a swanky resort.  However, as they walk in the door Sara appears on a monitor to remind them “this is not a field trip”.

The Jersey Shore Season Two Episode Four - Notes On A Scandal

Illustration courtesy of Alan Gray

This week the infamous ‘anonymous’ note (you can read it for yourself at the bottom of the page) detailing Ronnie’s indiscretions finally makes it’s eagerly awaited debut. We anticipate that a slam book and a rousing game of catch and kiss can’t be far away on the primary school playground that is The Jersey Shore.

As per usual, MVP (that’s Mike, Vinny, Pauly to the uninitiated) drag two girls back to their caveman lair after a night on the sticky, vomit coated tiles and try to devise a plan to divide the spoils.  Meanwhile, Mike has forgotten that he invited another girl, who arrives with her friend in tow.  Unfortunately (or fortunately for her, because it means she won’t have to risk venereal disease) the friend is immediately branded “a hippopotamus” and a new plan is formulated to keep the two groups of girls separated and isolate the fourth wheel. Shockingly, this plan works; Mike “puts the hippopotamus to bed” and takes his lady to the "smash room", while Vinny and Pauly adjourn to another room with their conquests.   Ewww how can Vinny and Pauly concentrate on engaging in sexual relations when they are mere centimetres from each other?

The next day the triumphant lads head out to procure groceries, leaving Angelina behind with express instructions to clean the kitchen.  Instead, she spends all day talking on the phone.  Surely she can’t have that many friends? Maybe she is just cold calling from the phone book, who could resist the opportunity to have her squawk in your ear for a few hours?   Mike flips out when he comes home to a filthy house; fair enough, the boys do seem to do the lion’s share of the cooking and cleaning at Chez Jersey Shore.   Angelina’s volcanic temperament gets the better of her and she spews hot angry lava all over Mike.  Oh Trash Bags, just fill your luggage with the contents of the kitchen sink and be done with it.

Snooki is still upset about her breakup with Emilio and Jenni does her best to comfort her by telling her he doesn’t deserve her, as “you’ve done nothing wrong down here.” Except have sex with Vinny right?  Are they forgetting we know everything they’ve been up to?  Hello, WE CAN SEE YOU!  Emilio does seem like a front-runner for King of the douche bags but that’s no excuse for double standards. Snooki burns her duck-lipped photos of Emilio in a ritual backyard sacrifice. Sammi snuggles with Ronnie as she watches the flames of their bronzed passion burn, little does she know she might want to commit a little arson of her own soon.

Snooki and Jenni decide the time is nigh to slip Sammi the note.  Jenni says they both think it’s a horrible idea (which it is!) but they feel she needs to know.  Yes, but not like this!  Stalkers, nut jobs and cowardly neighbours leave anonymous notes, not friends. Jenni shoves it in Sammi’s make-up drawer where they know she will find it first thing.  The anticipation waiting for the note to be found would be KILLER. 

Mike, Snooki and Jenni head off to work at the gelato shop and leave the note to work it’s magic.  That would be even worse, being stuck at work and not knowing what was happening. Sammi finds it almost immediately and paraphrases it as “Ronnie gets with fat chicks, hooks up with girls, holds hands with girls, got a girls number”.  She pulls Vinny and Pauly in one by one but they stand by their man and deny it all. Sammi however is not convinced.  Snooki and Jenni are terrified to go back to the house and “the drama that we caused”.  Vinny gestures to Ronnie that Sam has found an anonymous note fingering him and he hustles off to find her.  I bet all the blood in his body suddenly went cold.    

Sam gives Ronnie the note to read and after seeing the word ‘wisely’ he observes that Snooki “doesn’t use that kind of vocabulary”.  Since when did ‘wisely’ become a highbrow word?  Ronnie admits to Sam that he took a shot from a girl’s cleavage and a telephone number but says he tossed it away.  Sam is devastated by the revelations and says if he’s admitted to some of it the rest of the note is probably true. Ronnie tries to apologise but Sammi doesn’t want to hear it.  Ronnie says “I’m definitely not a saint, if I walked into a church right now I’d probably burst into flames”, but he thinks he can dig his way out of it and that the letter isn’t that bad.  Wow he is really deluded!

Back at the gelato shop an anxious Jenni and Snooki call Angelina to find out if Sam found the letter, but unfortunately Sam is the one who answers and we all hold our breath in anticipation. Sam asks Jenni if she left her a note and Jenni puts on a convincing display of ignorance. Why are they pretending?  The truth will out when the show airs after all!  When they get home and read the note, Snooki and Jenni can’t stop giggling over their deceit while Mike is laughing over the text, and no doubt the fact that Ronnie has finally been busted. When Sammi asks why he’s laughing, Mike tries to cover himself by saying he’s laughing at the reference to “multiple fat women”, adding, “it’s the truth”.  When Sammi asks him what happened he says, “I mean if it’s on paper it’s the truth”.  That’s awesome.  I’m going to write everything down in the future so I can use that excuse. 

Ronnie tries to talk to Sam and she says he should never talk to her again.  He asks a grieving Sam if she wants to be with him.  I thought it was kind of obvious that she didn’t.  Ronnie says he’s done arguing and fighting.  Why is he acting like it's Sammi’s fault as if he is without blame?  Perhaps a side effect of his chronic partying?  Ronnie starts fossicking through his underwear drawer and finds his secret little black book (in reality a tatty notepad) and rings up his ‘hometown honey’, a girl who sounds as if she is pretty intimately acquainted with Ron Ron. He asks her when she’s coming down as he has his “GT on but now he needs “the S in”.  Ewww.  Sam hears their racy repartee and stomps out to confront him.  Gees the corpse of their relationship hasn’t even been embalmed yet and he’s already chasing tail, although from their conversation it sounds like he had a second girlfriend at home the whole time.   Samm i follows Ron to his room and tries to get a reaction out of him, but he just flips the blame back on her again and shows no remorse.  He should just be single; he’s not fit to be with anyone.

And here is the note which has bestowed equal parts amusement and suffering upon it’s readers.  Read at your own peril!:

SAM, THE FIRST NIGHT AT BED WHEN YOU LEFT, RON MADE OUT WITH 2 GIRLS AND PUT HIS HEAD INBETWEEN A COCKTAIL WAITRESSES BREASTS. ALSO WAS GRINDING WITH MULTIPLE FAT WOMEN. 
WHEN YOU LEFT CRYING AT KLUTCH, RON WAS HOLDING HANDS AND DANCING WITH A FEMALE AND TOOK DOWN HER NUMBER. 
MULTIPLE PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE KNOW. THEREFORE YOU SHOULD KNOW THE TRUTH.  USE THIS INFORMATION WISELY.

New Zealand's Next Top Model - Recapping The Recap

Illustrations courtesy of Alan Gray

Ripped off!  It’s the evil recap show!  What cruel deceit is this?  Here we were thinking we would get to see the final six frolicking in Phuket but instead all we get is ancient footage with the occasional unseen tidbit thrown in.  Although, I should have known this was coming, Tyra always does this at the midpoint of America’s Next Top Model.  Bah!

So were there any new revelations last night?  A meager fistful, there was some footage of Lara singing while simultaneously breaking out into nervous blotches, and then some more singing from contestants who didn’t make it.  Was there a talent portion of the audition?  Where was the baton twirling and rhythmic gymnastics?